Wishing for a Medical Emergency

Ever since I was in elementary school when I would get stressed out and/or angry I would wish and sometimes pray for something to put me in the hospital. That way I could have a break and hopefully a dose sympathy from the people who are making me wish for this emergency to happen. Yeah yeah, totally selfish I know, but this is one of those dark thoughts that bubbles out of me when I am doing my best not to be selfish at all.

This part is specifically for Nigel. I realized walking to class today that the reason I get so unbearable to be around sometimes is because I can not justify blaming others for my wasted time. What I mean by this is, there are frequent lasting periods in my life that have me wishing for a medical emergency. During those times, if I am to allow myself a moment of rest it has to be while I'm alone because although I maybe dormant, my mind is constantly running with thoughts like "Seriously, Sarah?! Get your ass up and do your work!!! You suck. You're going to make people think you are stupid and lazy." So if someone is with me during a time that I'm allowing myself a break I am highly unpleasent, partly because I want them to leave so that I don't have them at all to blame for my "wasted time." I am really good at finding a way to blame myself for everything, but if I start to think "Well I didn't get this thing done because 'so and so' wanted to hang out" I immediately smack myself on the wrist and say "No it is your fault, not their's. You could have left and done what you needed to do." It's a brutal system and you deserve an apology for it.

I'm in a Lull

Over and over I keep listening to the Andrew Bird song "Lull." The lyrics are

Being alone
It can be quite romantic
Like Jacques Cousteau
Underneath the atlantic
A fantastic voyage
To parts unknown
Going to depths where the suns never shown
And I fasinate myself
When I'm alone

So I go a little overboard
But hang onto the hull
While I'm airbrushing fantasy art on my life
That's really kinda dull
Oh, I'm in a lull
I'm all for moderation
But somtimes it seems
Moderation itself can be kind of extreme
So I join the congregation
Join the softball team
I went in for my conformation
Where incense looks like steam
I start conjugating proverbs
Where there once were nouns
This whole damn rhyme scheme's
Starting to get me down...
Oh, I'm in a lull
I'm in a lull

I'm rambling on rather self consciously
While I'm stirring these condements into my tea
And I'm so lame
I bet I think this song is about me
Don't I, don't I, don't I
I'm in a lull

Sorry, I know lyrics are sort of a tedious thing to read, but I highlighted the ones that caught my attention. I certainly feel like I'm in a bit of a lull these days, but I know better than to pity myself because come tomorrow I might be over it. It's just one of those self conscious periods that I think we all go through. I also think I learn the most about myself in these times. Lulls sort of put my life in perspective. I feel like I can see myself going through the same motions that I usually do when I have no goals or direction. I tend to think I can take on a lot of projects because it gives me a false sense of control and purpose. I also tend to put myself down, sort of like I talked about in my last post, so that's got to stop. Okay, and I'm also really scattered like now...I have to run, bye!

That'll Do, Pig. That'll Do.

I perpetually find myself where I am now, sitting in front of my computer, doing things for my pleasure and not for my benefit. On the other hand they are things that immediately satisfy me, so I'll consider that benefit enough. (All of that was vague enough to let the mind wander into the gutter.) Anyway, here are some thoughts I want to put down as reminders for myself:

1. "Stop telling people that you're dumb." I have a bad habit of saying how stupid I am every time I give a wrong answer or make a mistake. I forget sometime how powerful words are, and I have started noticing moments in which I actually believe that I'm dumb, probably because I've allowed myself to say it so much.

2. "Plan coffee with people who make you want to be a better person." One of the best things in my book is having people in my life that I admire. I can feel an instant change in my soul when I'm around these people, and I think I will make a point to see them more often. One of the most recent admiral people in my life is my boyfriend Nigel's friend, Anna. She invited us over for dinner on Saturday and we had a marvelous time thanks to her marvelous hostessing. I think I'll join her book club.

3. "Don't let the library become a terrible place." I have been frequenting the library lately, and it has gone from great and productive to mindnumbing and frustrating. I can't let this happen any further than it already has, or else I predict a serious lack of sleep because of all the procrastination that happens in my apartment. Say it to yourself, Sarah, "No more 4:00am cram sessions...No more 4:00am cram sessions...."

4. "You are The Little Red Hen." Whenever someone is being counter productive to the beautiful things I want to be doing, just let them pass on by. Keep those who lift your spirits close at hand and be a hard worker. You can do it!

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

Fuck, I think I'm coming full circle again

"Double Ketchup" 2006-Ralph Goings

I've been on this kick that I'm not going to care or at least invest a lot of emotion into school and more broadly my everyday choices. At first this was enlightening, and this feeling has lasted for about a year. Amist this year I have been very relaxed and open to new experiences and lessons, but starting about a month ago I have experienced some serious concern as to where my life is taking me, or rather where I am taking me.

Then today, I got my Statistics grade and inside me there was resounding SNAP! that I could not ignore. Now if you are my sister or family member that is starting to feel dissappointed, don't, the grade is a B+ and it's only the beginning of the semester. However the cause of the less than desired grade was the day I woke up at 8:00am, the time my class begins, and said to myself "Looks like life doesn't want you to go to class, and you can live with that." This is the kind of thinking I have been practicing the past year, but that snap was the break in a dam built on the river of my character. Rushing waters that screamed "It was that one class that dropped my grade from a solid A to a B+!!! ARGH!!!!" flooded into my being and crashed onto my heart sinking it down into the once still, calm lake that is my gut.

It is only appropriate that yesterday my wonderful dialogue professor, Reinhold Dooley, was responding to a statement I made about wanting to have all the answers but somehow knowing that I can't. He explained that when he was my age every year of his life he would think we was a really smart guy and come the next year we would look back and say to himself "Man, what an ass I've been." Internally during his story I was responding with "Meee tooo!"

It all goes to show that when you think you have it all together, think again. However, I do wish to take the moments that I've felt I learned something great and work against my human nature to remember them. I suppose I just keep getting dunked back into the present, into the moment I ought to be living in, into the place where I can understand what it means to live, and for that I am eternally greatful.

It is late, but I still have time

I wake up in my single person apartment and this morning I found myself asking "Is this going to be an exceptional day?" I WANT it to be. For some reason I feel like I really need this day to be exceptional.

Now it is the end of the day, the less that exceptional day. I want my homework to be done. I want my hunger to be satisfied. I want my debt to go away. I want to know what exactly is the minimum amount of work I need to do to get an A in all my classes. I want my shoulders to be rubbed.

But it is amidst all of this wanting I remember a still, calm moment while riding in my car to work, when God reminded me that the key to contentment is to give up all of my wants.

Shit Goes On Forever, So Make a Conscious Try

Two items to admit with this entry: 1) The title is from a G Love and Special Sauce song called "Yeah, it's that easy" and it doesn't neccessarily have any connection to the content I've included, but it makes a point that I resonate with. 2) I stole the following viral game from Sasha, who stole it from someone else, so really the key component to the game is stealing...What? Shit goes on forever.

The Google search results for "Sarah needs..."

• Sarah needs a cold shower


• Sarah needs a date, maybe some fun, and if it works out a bit of schtupping*


• Sarah needs your manly support


• Sarah needs Self-Esteem


• Sarah needs a Wii


• Sarah needs to get her life back and establish herself as the person in charge


• Sarah needs us


• Sarah needs to kick him in the nuts


• Sarah needs more love lyrics


• Sarah needs to get back to college

*schtupping:
Having sex.
"Shelley didn't know that her husband was schtupping the next-door neighbour. "

Thank you urbandictionary.com!

My first contribution

Greetings friends,

Since I find myself such a big fan of reading the blogs of friends and others, like those who can teach me how to cook or show me how to make that thing Martha Stuart had on the cover of her last magazine, I decided it is my turn to make a contribution. Now this is not to say that my contribution to the world of blogging will be anything exceptional compaired to the blogs of others, but hell who cares...I should really just say "I can have a blog, so I will have a blog." That is basically the summation of my logic. However, in addition to that simple minded statement I am excited to see what other's have to write about, since it was the enjoyment I took in reading the blogs of friends that encouraged me to create my own.

Today I will share a funny encounter my sister eagerly called to tell me about. She was walking with a friend when a member of Green Peace stopped them with the line "Do you have a minute for the enviroment?" to which her friend replied, "Do you have a cigarrette? Because if you have a cigarrette I have a minute." "Uhh, no," answered Green Peace slightly rattled by the abrupt reply he was not prepared for. "Well then I have to go spend my minute finding someone who I can bum a cigarrette from." Ironic, isn't it?

Life can be it's own entertainment, depending of course on how amusable you are.