Accepting myself on the Whole

Goodmorning me,

23 hours ago you loved yourself. You saw yourself doing good things, thinking of others, having confidence and peace and aspiring to live out the light inside you.

12 hours ago you were sick of yourself. You saw a gossipy, self-important, rambling version of you.

You are all of this. All of the time. Always capable of every good and every cruelty.

Feelings aren't answers.

(Love is an insufficient word sometimes),
Sarah

Porcupine

Sometimes I feel like my expectations of people must be too high. Then I consider what an arrogant statement that is, and I retreat for a while in order to come to terms with the realization that it was me all along who wasn't meeting the bar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qhdPflUb8

Games

G'day reader,

It's been too long. I'm largely writing this blog to get my gears working before embarking on a paper for school. This is also a good way to procrastinate. Killing two birds with one stone.

Now on to the matter in my life today: Games. I have had a rollercoaster of a year relationship wise, and my goal through it all was to stay completely honest to myself and to the other person involved. So far so good, that is until I got sick of dating and just wanted to be in something long term. Oh how the cold weather makes you wish for someone to lie next to.

(Word of advice, if you are in a relationship and are considering ending it, wait at least until spring. It will be much easier to cope with the loneliness when you're not freezing. But if he/she is hitting you ignore all of that and get out! And then send your ex-lover my way because I could use some sense smacked into me after what you're about to read.)

This shift from confident and easy-going to lonely and desperate that flooded in with the change in seasons had me resorting to mind games. This was sort of my final desperate attempt with someone I care about to see if I could manipulate him into wanting me (again). Now, the fact that I am writing this blog I hope indicates to you, dear reader, that I 1.) realize the error of my ways and 2.) am only reasonably crazy. The tactic I applied was to make him think, after he apologized to me for nearly cancelling our long await plans, that I had better things to do anyway. I know, I know, that was not an especially clever move and really just kind of bitchy, but I wanted to be bold and see where it got me. Needless to say, I got owned at my own game. Maybe I'm out of practice, or possibly I had already established a tone of honesty for our relationship which would explain why he was able to call me out saying, "We're not playing some sort of game, are we?" That question had me anxiously denying all such accusations. I immediately resorted back to my honest tendancies, breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't get myself in any deeper.

The moral is obvious: When you're me, honesty is the best policy. That, or get better at your game, but I like to stick with the former. Had I been honest in that moment I would have been able to tell myself that lonliness is temporary and all based on one's perspective. Also that it is better to examine conflict from a birds eye view before taking anything personally, as to avoid emotional flare ups. Both of those contribute to the larger issue: Stop trying force relationships. It's a worthless past time, and completely counter-productive.

Certainly, there is a reason the moral typically comes after the story, but that being said I need to work on my foreshadowing skills. All in time to write a paper.

Thanks for reading.

Refreshing Radio

Lately I have taken a break from my iPod and listened to the radio in my car instead. Refreshing. I listened to the radio a lot on my drive from Colorado to Chicago and one of the songs I fell in love with was "You & Me" by Dave Matthews Band. There is something about acoustic guitar that uplifts my soul, and this song gave me the pick me up I was looking for when it came on the radio the other day. I've been listening to it all week now.

It's nice to be reintroduced to the things we love. Radio, acoustic melodies, DMB, thanks for stopping by and brightening my day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kD9CrZODlNA

Conflict with Age

Today was the closing night of the One-Act I directed. It's called "The Falling Man" and is by Will Scheffer. To me this play is about identity and how we are often at a loss to understand who we are. How often forces in our lives shake our very core and leave us grasping for some solid place to latch onto; cause us to fall.

My actors performed beautifully and I dressed up for the occasion. Black tights, black lacy skirt, black top, black shoes. Sounds like funeral attire, but I looked good. I had a lot of friends coming to the show, so I wanted to be at my best. To set up for my later point, every one of these friends has either graduated college or is in grad school currently. They are all older than me.

The performance ended and I was very happy to see everyone. It's tricky to talk to people after shows you've created because you sort of always want to avoid actually talking about the show, as if avoiding being arrogant or avoiding any awkward conversations if people didn't it. Instead I talked to my friends about my birthday that is coming up. My TWENTY-FIRST birthday. I am in eager for its arrival. Finally I will be old enough to hang out with my friends in public places and not just at houses where I'm drinking illegally (embarrassing to put it that way). Anyway, we chatted and then all went on our own ways.

My way happened to cross the path of "Highlighter Party: Junior Class Event!!" Yes, that would include me, a junior in college. The music was blaring from this small house and a couple of people I know were outside on the stoop trying to escape from the body heat inside. They encouraged me to go in, and I figured I was looking pretty good, why the hell not (something I've been saying a lot to myself lately and later regretting). I go in and everyone is in white t-shirts, covered in highlighter, running into each other as they danced drunkenly under a black light. Now remember, I'm in all black. Upon arrival I assume that to these people I look like an asshole, like I'm trying to rebel against the conventions of the party. And I was certainly treated like I was the asshole. Several dirty looks, lots of ignoring. One guy actually offered me a t-shirt which I nearly accepted until I explained that I was on my way out soon, and being my luck, this offended him. So I did leave, feeling somewhat rejected but mostly not caring.

So here's the thing: All of those people are my age and I was completely out of place with them. I tried to join and dance and be nice, but that really just left me looking pretty lame. I have never made a serious attempt to hang out with these people, but have always smiled and said hi in passing. It makes me increasingly aware of how they view me when I am in situations like that. If I could read their energy toward me it would say "What is that goody two shoes doing here?" Which is humorous because for people that do know me well, I am nothing of the sort.

Jumping back to my birthday conversation with my friends, this is something that makes me hyper aware of how much my age I really am. My display of birthday anticipation is highly juvenile in comparison to their cool, collected attitudes. That's perfectly fine, because the fact of the matter is that I am 20 and that means I am entitled to act 20 when I feel like it. Funny though, how when I am with other twenty year olds I feel like I'm at least 40. All of this to say that I have a conflict with age.

When I consider what my age contributes to my identity I have a difficult time putting my finger on any definite explanation. However, what I do know, and what "The Falling Man" has brought to my attention, is that no matter how much I am at a loss to identify who I am, the only thing I can do is live in the moment. Forget age, it's only a number which has connotations that aren't necessarily even based in reality when you consider the confusion that is time. It is in the now that I live and therefore now is the only place that I can feel alive.

I write to 4 of you.

Hi Leigh, Nigel, Sasha and oh apparently Jon now, welcome to the elite. I trust all of you are just fine, as you were when last I saw you. Take care of yourselves... and maybe I'll do the same.

Lead on Psychedelic Guiding Force

Friday: Classes done. Plans made. Prepping to walk out the door. Oh what's that? A phone call? Hey Anna Eisenbraun! Say what?! Flaming Lips tickets? Yes, I accept your overwhelming generosity.

Friday Take Two: Classes done. Plans cancelled. Adventure to the Flaming Lips concert ON!

My life is awesome, and I'm sorry, mostly to myself, that I have not written down the situations and happenstances that have made it that way for such a long time. Oh well, here's one experience that will not be lost in the abyss of my memory.

This semester was like many others. It ended with some serious procrastination. Lately my avenue of procrastination has been watching countless numbers of MGMT interviews on Youtube. The attitude of these guys resides closely to my own, or at least that's how I perceive it while I stare blankly at the idiotbox. This attitude that resinates with me is one of no bullshit, just honesty, brevity, and beauty. They aren't rude to people, but also aren't schmoozers. They keep their answers short and clear, are sometimes goofy and sometimes psychedelic.

Anyway, that's the kind of attitude I put forth during finals. What I mean to say is that I treated finals for what they are: the pain in the ass that cause students way too much anxiety. I realized that I've gotten through the finals process too many times to let myself freak out yet again. Instead I figured stressful studying was going to get me the same grade I would get without the anxiety. Rather I set my mind toward the psychedelic, and instead of studying for countless hours, I made plans for some great creative strides. Enter Art-Cult. (Oh yeah, I can't tell you about that, only that it's a cult for art where the only death is the death of inhibitions.)

When it came to my first final on Friday all that was going through my mind was MGMT music, and then for some reason Brittany Spears' "Circus." Jump to that evening just before the psychedelic Flaming Lips show, I'm eating at a Subway with my best bud Caitlin who I had told about the odd mixture of songs running through my head that morning, and what else should start playing but Brittany Spears' "Circus." Sure this is a popular radio hit, but at the time I had not heard it for at least two weeks because I had no car and therefore no radio to listen to. The fact that it popped into my head during an accounting final felt bizzarre to me, and therefore when it started to play that evening, right after making the spontaneous choice to venture to this concert, hearing it felt like a clue that I was on the right path. Possibly a path to great psychedelic adventures.

This is how I choose to look at my life. Like it's something incredible and mysterious.

Old Soul

I haven't written a blog in a very long time, but thanks to conversation with some beautiful friends last night it feels like a worthy task for today. If you know me, which I'm sure you do, you know that the crowd I surround myself with is typically older than me by at least 2 years if not more. Certainly I have equally as delightful and valuable friends my age and younger, but the commonality of my being around those who are older occupies a noticeable amount of my time...and I love that. Here's why:

Last night I was graciously invited to the "Memorial Day Argentinian BBQ" hosted by Kate and Adrian, two outstanding people who are going to be sensational as husband and wife come June 13th. The event was filled with high spirits, satisfied stomachs, enchanting conversation and a little dancing at the end. For the most part I was familiar with everyone there except for two: Issac, a friend of a friend who works at a gallery and is soon on his way to a new life in Hungry, and another woman who was absolutely sweet, but whom I didn't get very well aquainted. At one point, on the smokey back porch, Issac, trying to figure out who I was, other than the kind of quiet girl who seemed nice enough to offer a cigarette to, asked "So you're a sophmore?" He had gathered this much information about me from someone else. I replied honestly to the question with an insecure "Yep," which he took as sounding offended and came back with "Oh so you're a senior?" To that everyone joined me in assuring him that "No, he was right the first time" and I appoligized for sounding offended. Then, in order to redeem my presence amongst all of the college graduates, my close friend Kristina chimed in "Sarah's an old soul."

I was touched to be frank (and nerdy), but the thing is that I'm not so sure my soul is old at all. I think my soul might appear that way only because of what it has gathered from the souls I surround myself with. I guess I feel like it has been my privilage to be embraced by such beautiful people who's wisdom I deeply appreciate.

Wishing for a Medical Emergency

Ever since I was in elementary school when I would get stressed out and/or angry I would wish and sometimes pray for something to put me in the hospital. That way I could have a break and hopefully a dose sympathy from the people who are making me wish for this emergency to happen. Yeah yeah, totally selfish I know, but this is one of those dark thoughts that bubbles out of me when I am doing my best not to be selfish at all.

This part is specifically for Nigel. I realized walking to class today that the reason I get so unbearable to be around sometimes is because I can not justify blaming others for my wasted time. What I mean by this is, there are frequent lasting periods in my life that have me wishing for a medical emergency. During those times, if I am to allow myself a moment of rest it has to be while I'm alone because although I maybe dormant, my mind is constantly running with thoughts like "Seriously, Sarah?! Get your ass up and do your work!!! You suck. You're going to make people think you are stupid and lazy." So if someone is with me during a time that I'm allowing myself a break I am highly unpleasent, partly because I want them to leave so that I don't have them at all to blame for my "wasted time." I am really good at finding a way to blame myself for everything, but if I start to think "Well I didn't get this thing done because 'so and so' wanted to hang out" I immediately smack myself on the wrist and say "No it is your fault, not their's. You could have left and done what you needed to do." It's a brutal system and you deserve an apology for it.

I'm in a Lull

Over and over I keep listening to the Andrew Bird song "Lull." The lyrics are

Being alone
It can be quite romantic
Like Jacques Cousteau
Underneath the atlantic
A fantastic voyage
To parts unknown
Going to depths where the suns never shown
And I fasinate myself
When I'm alone

So I go a little overboard
But hang onto the hull
While I'm airbrushing fantasy art on my life
That's really kinda dull
Oh, I'm in a lull
I'm all for moderation
But somtimes it seems
Moderation itself can be kind of extreme
So I join the congregation
Join the softball team
I went in for my conformation
Where incense looks like steam
I start conjugating proverbs
Where there once were nouns
This whole damn rhyme scheme's
Starting to get me down...
Oh, I'm in a lull
I'm in a lull

I'm rambling on rather self consciously
While I'm stirring these condements into my tea
And I'm so lame
I bet I think this song is about me
Don't I, don't I, don't I
I'm in a lull

Sorry, I know lyrics are sort of a tedious thing to read, but I highlighted the ones that caught my attention. I certainly feel like I'm in a bit of a lull these days, but I know better than to pity myself because come tomorrow I might be over it. It's just one of those self conscious periods that I think we all go through. I also think I learn the most about myself in these times. Lulls sort of put my life in perspective. I feel like I can see myself going through the same motions that I usually do when I have no goals or direction. I tend to think I can take on a lot of projects because it gives me a false sense of control and purpose. I also tend to put myself down, sort of like I talked about in my last post, so that's got to stop. Okay, and I'm also really scattered like now...I have to run, bye!

That'll Do, Pig. That'll Do.

I perpetually find myself where I am now, sitting in front of my computer, doing things for my pleasure and not for my benefit. On the other hand they are things that immediately satisfy me, so I'll consider that benefit enough. (All of that was vague enough to let the mind wander into the gutter.) Anyway, here are some thoughts I want to put down as reminders for myself:

1. "Stop telling people that you're dumb." I have a bad habit of saying how stupid I am every time I give a wrong answer or make a mistake. I forget sometime how powerful words are, and I have started noticing moments in which I actually believe that I'm dumb, probably because I've allowed myself to say it so much.

2. "Plan coffee with people who make you want to be a better person." One of the best things in my book is having people in my life that I admire. I can feel an instant change in my soul when I'm around these people, and I think I will make a point to see them more often. One of the most recent admiral people in my life is my boyfriend Nigel's friend, Anna. She invited us over for dinner on Saturday and we had a marvelous time thanks to her marvelous hostessing. I think I'll join her book club.

3. "Don't let the library become a terrible place." I have been frequenting the library lately, and it has gone from great and productive to mindnumbing and frustrating. I can't let this happen any further than it already has, or else I predict a serious lack of sleep because of all the procrastination that happens in my apartment. Say it to yourself, Sarah, "No more 4:00am cram sessions...No more 4:00am cram sessions...."

4. "You are The Little Red Hen." Whenever someone is being counter productive to the beautiful things I want to be doing, just let them pass on by. Keep those who lift your spirits close at hand and be a hard worker. You can do it!

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

Fuck, I think I'm coming full circle again

"Double Ketchup" 2006-Ralph Goings

I've been on this kick that I'm not going to care or at least invest a lot of emotion into school and more broadly my everyday choices. At first this was enlightening, and this feeling has lasted for about a year. Amist this year I have been very relaxed and open to new experiences and lessons, but starting about a month ago I have experienced some serious concern as to where my life is taking me, or rather where I am taking me.

Then today, I got my Statistics grade and inside me there was resounding SNAP! that I could not ignore. Now if you are my sister or family member that is starting to feel dissappointed, don't, the grade is a B+ and it's only the beginning of the semester. However the cause of the less than desired grade was the day I woke up at 8:00am, the time my class begins, and said to myself "Looks like life doesn't want you to go to class, and you can live with that." This is the kind of thinking I have been practicing the past year, but that snap was the break in a dam built on the river of my character. Rushing waters that screamed "It was that one class that dropped my grade from a solid A to a B+!!! ARGH!!!!" flooded into my being and crashed onto my heart sinking it down into the once still, calm lake that is my gut.

It is only appropriate that yesterday my wonderful dialogue professor, Reinhold Dooley, was responding to a statement I made about wanting to have all the answers but somehow knowing that I can't. He explained that when he was my age every year of his life he would think we was a really smart guy and come the next year we would look back and say to himself "Man, what an ass I've been." Internally during his story I was responding with "Meee tooo!"

It all goes to show that when you think you have it all together, think again. However, I do wish to take the moments that I've felt I learned something great and work against my human nature to remember them. I suppose I just keep getting dunked back into the present, into the moment I ought to be living in, into the place where I can understand what it means to live, and for that I am eternally greatful.

It is late, but I still have time

I wake up in my single person apartment and this morning I found myself asking "Is this going to be an exceptional day?" I WANT it to be. For some reason I feel like I really need this day to be exceptional.

Now it is the end of the day, the less that exceptional day. I want my homework to be done. I want my hunger to be satisfied. I want my debt to go away. I want to know what exactly is the minimum amount of work I need to do to get an A in all my classes. I want my shoulders to be rubbed.

But it is amidst all of this wanting I remember a still, calm moment while riding in my car to work, when God reminded me that the key to contentment is to give up all of my wants.

Shit Goes On Forever, So Make a Conscious Try

Two items to admit with this entry: 1) The title is from a G Love and Special Sauce song called "Yeah, it's that easy" and it doesn't neccessarily have any connection to the content I've included, but it makes a point that I resonate with. 2) I stole the following viral game from Sasha, who stole it from someone else, so really the key component to the game is stealing...What? Shit goes on forever.

The Google search results for "Sarah needs..."

• Sarah needs a cold shower


• Sarah needs a date, maybe some fun, and if it works out a bit of schtupping*


• Sarah needs your manly support


• Sarah needs Self-Esteem


• Sarah needs a Wii


• Sarah needs to get her life back and establish herself as the person in charge


• Sarah needs us


• Sarah needs to kick him in the nuts


• Sarah needs more love lyrics


• Sarah needs to get back to college

*schtupping:
Having sex.
"Shelley didn't know that her husband was schtupping the next-door neighbour. "

Thank you urbandictionary.com!

My first contribution

Greetings friends,

Since I find myself such a big fan of reading the blogs of friends and others, like those who can teach me how to cook or show me how to make that thing Martha Stuart had on the cover of her last magazine, I decided it is my turn to make a contribution. Now this is not to say that my contribution to the world of blogging will be anything exceptional compaired to the blogs of others, but hell who cares...I should really just say "I can have a blog, so I will have a blog." That is basically the summation of my logic. However, in addition to that simple minded statement I am excited to see what other's have to write about, since it was the enjoyment I took in reading the blogs of friends that encouraged me to create my own.

Today I will share a funny encounter my sister eagerly called to tell me about. She was walking with a friend when a member of Green Peace stopped them with the line "Do you have a minute for the enviroment?" to which her friend replied, "Do you have a cigarrette? Because if you have a cigarrette I have a minute." "Uhh, no," answered Green Peace slightly rattled by the abrupt reply he was not prepared for. "Well then I have to go spend my minute finding someone who I can bum a cigarrette from." Ironic, isn't it?

Life can be it's own entertainment, depending of course on how amusable you are.