Ever since I was in elementary school when I would get stressed out and/or angry I would wish and sometimes pray for something to put me in the hospital. That way I could have a break and hopefully a dose sympathy from the people who are making me wish for this emergency to happen. Yeah yeah, totally selfish I know, but this is one of those dark thoughts that bubbles out of me when I am doing my best not to be selfish at all.
This part is specifically for Nigel. I realized walking to class today that the reason I get so unbearable to be around sometimes is because I can not justify blaming others for my wasted time. What I mean by this is, there are frequent lasting periods in my life that have me wishing for a medical emergency. During those times, if I am to allow myself a moment of rest it has to be while I'm alone because although I maybe dormant, my mind is constantly running with thoughts like "Seriously, Sarah?! Get your ass up and do your work!!! You suck. You're going to make people think you are stupid and lazy." So if someone is with me during a time that I'm allowing myself a break I am highly unpleasent, partly because I want them to leave so that I don't have them at all to blame for my "wasted time." I am really good at finding a way to blame myself for everything, but if I start to think "Well I didn't get this thing done because 'so and so' wanted to hang out" I immediately smack myself on the wrist and say "No it is your fault, not their's. You could have left and done what you needed to do." It's a brutal system and you deserve an apology for it.
